Being a Mother And a Minx

How to be adventurous in the bedroom and responsible in the nursery

Photo by Anna Fowler

My Twitter bio is actress, writer and mother. I’ve deliberated over this bio for many more hours than is healthy or necessary.

And I still have doubts

The biggest doubt comes when I tweet about anal sex or orgies. I look at my bio of mother and then back again at the looming headline. I feel guilty. I consider changing my bio so no one knows I’m a mother. Or deleting the post altogether. I should keep my anal sex story in a dark sordid corner where it belongs.

A mother shouldn’t talk about anal sex.

A mother should be as honourable as Irena Sandler or Marie Curie. They should act nobly and bravely in the face of adversity. They should put others first. Their minds should be full of their children and their love.

Being a mother is selfless and beautiful. When I think of motherhood, I think of patience and kindness.

Not anal sex and blow jobs.

But can talking about sex, be a healthy part of being a mother?

Can you enjoy having a passionate sex life and active discussion about it, without feeling guilty? Or will your children be embarrassed when they are older and wish you were different? Are you failing to be the selfless mother you should be?

Perhaps, I’m being a cruel and irresponsible mother. But my sex life didn’t end when I gave birth. And my sex drive hasn’t decreased just because I am surrounded by nappies, baby wipes and porridge.

My desire to talk about sex, make light about the awkward times, explore the risky topics and speak freely and honestly, will never go away. And as mothers, we shouldn’t have to defend our passions.

We want our children to feel comfortable about sex and sexuality

We want them to be able to speak openly about their emotions and experiences. And to develop a sexual agency as soon as possible.

The National Campaign found, “Teens say parents most influence their decisions about sex”. So, as parents, and the strongest influence on our children, having an open approach to sex, is a recipe for success.

Let’s celebrate our sexual exploration as people and parents. By possessing healthy sex lives and choosing to write about them, we aren’t shaming our children. We are helping them.

We invite open talk into the family. We speak freely about mistakes which have been made, or experiences to be careful of. Even if we don’t go in to detail, our children observe an openness and passion about sex.

After all, our children learn more from our actions than our words. They watch carefully and copy everything we do. A study from Michigan State University showed 90% of children directly copied a child’s actions after watching them on TV.

So, we have to scrutinise our actions. Are we happy with our children copying what we do? As much as anal sex and orgies are certainly not on my list for my children’s future, being true to themselves, brave about their dreams and approaching sex with honesty and a clear agency, are qualities I would love them to possess.

So, let’s cherish our desire to talk about sex as writers

By creating room in our lives during parenthood to explore our interests, sexual preferences and happiness, we ensure we become the best version of ourselves. Not just the best parents we can be, but the happiest and truest form of ourselves.

We can’t lose our identity as a person, just because we have become a parent. Our children would never ask us to do that. Instead we should make sure we continue to explore the world as an individual, taking risks, and learning about ourselves emotionally.

By honouring our self-exploration and passions, we continue to create our own sexual agency and identity. We allow our life to flourish. After all, parenthood should add to our lives, not detract. It shouldn’t stop us from following our hearts ambition or truth.

Yes, parenthood can change the way we write, and the way we approach sex. But, I like to think it adds a richness and variety to our writing style. It gives us new perspectives and a stronger desire to create a sexual agency and sex life, we relish in.

We become the strong minded, sex proud person we always wanted to be. And weirdly we have our children to thank for that. After all, life doesn’t stop at parenthood. And neither does our sex life.

Sex, life & mental health | P.S I Love You | Mind Cafe | Find out how to go from 0 to $1k on Medium with my free six-day writing course pages.matildaswinney.com

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